The Big Board…(and other musings)19 November 2008
This is the board from 3 days ago. Today’s board contains classified information. Eyes-only. In addition, I think the 99cent store chalk has pcp in it.
I inhaled too much chalk dust and developed a raging mad-on for people who hate Starbucks. By people, I mean the 10% of the population who thinks ragging on starbucks for being “corporate” gives them anarcho-street-cred or something. I see it like this…Starbucks is a mirror. You can’t blame a mirror if you’re the one who’s ugly. You can walk into Starbucks and order a cup of coffee. It’s not even that expensive. And they’re nice enough to have enough stores that when you want a cup of coffee you don’t have to break out your google store-finder to get to one. Just walk in some random direction, and within 5 minutes you’re ordering a cup of coffee. If you live somewhere this isn’t true, then it’s time to leave the farm. If there isn’t a Starbucks in your general vicinity, you live in the wrong place. If you don’t believe me, consider this…There is no Starbucks in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. There is a Starbucks in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Anyone who tries to tell you that Williamsburg is better than Greenpoint is an asshole.
The flip side of this equation is walking into a Starbucks and ordering a $6 dollar mocha-frappa-whip monstrosity. Starbucks is not the villain here. Life needs choices. If there were only one virtuous cup of organic-shade grown inexpensive holistic cup of coffee to be had, then how would you tell the greedy assholes from the enlightened masters? You couldn’t. Starbucks gives you plenty of rope. It’s up to you not to hang yourself with it. The matrix is real, and the goo that you float in in your battery-pod is mostly high fructose corn syrup and whipped cream. Go ahead…order the goo…make it a Venti.
Most of all, Starbucks is a corporation, not a straightedge band. If you’re looking to Starbucks for righteousness, you’re doing it wrong. For the most part, a trip to Starbucks is a pleasant experience. The employees seem to be human, they smile occasionally and it smells nice. If you really want to experience the ass-end of corporate America, walk into a Marshall’s department store, or a freakin Arby’s. Those places fatten you up with misery, so they can feed off of your unhappiness. Your only choices in those places are shit, and more shit. Compared to your average Quizno’s, Starbucks is a cathedral of light.
Also they’re the home team. And I always root for the home team, cause all good things come from the 206. Know what else comes from the 206. Ezell’s fried chicken. Know how Oprah has her favorite things, and every woman in the universe wants to go buy whater Oprah’s new favorite thing is? Well, Ezell’s was Oprah’s original favorite thing. But everyone can’t run out and buy it, cause there’s only one place you can get it. And it really is that good. And that’s why Oprah shits in solid gold toilets, and wipes her ass with live baby seals.
p.s. I don’t really like coffee that much, and mostly don’t drink it because caffeine is a demon drug that makes me crazy.